Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
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