Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize
