'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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