the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
