i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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