my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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