I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Randomize
