I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
