You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
