There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
