His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
