Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
