My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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