She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
