She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
