Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
God I need to hump something, right now.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
