Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
