I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
