i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I queefed so loud it echoed.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
