hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
