i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
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i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
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The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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