i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
