I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
