That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
