Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
