Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
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