This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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