i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
