The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
