so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
