I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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