I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
where does the pee come out of this thing
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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