I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
