i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
