I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
