i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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