I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
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