I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
