you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
