last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
