This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
