the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
