If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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