Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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