I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I AM VODKA MAN
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
