If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
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