My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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