I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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