My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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