yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
