he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
