Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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