found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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