In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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