I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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