i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
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